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CleanComedyGold

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train tip: a few minutes before the train arrives at your destination , get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster .
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What were the French children doing in the pool? Piscine.
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honey , we should really think about becoming parents. i mean , we've already had the kids
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this guy in the elevator asked for my number so i wrote it on his arm. apparently he meant which floor , so that was awkward
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why did the kid put his clock in the oven. he wanted to have a hot time
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science joke an ion walks into a bar , " just you tonight , sir? " " no , i'm waiting on one more . "
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In comedy things don't age well Except for Michael Jackson jokes, much like his victims they never get old.
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A ginger wanted to join the Jazz band. But he didn't have enough soul
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i went to a seafood disco once. And I pulled a mussel
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Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell "She's right there! " every time she comes on the screen until you're escorted out of the theater.
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Yeah I'm on a diet, I call it the "seefood diet" I'm pretty sure the mercury's affecting my spelling
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The toughest part of a diet isn't watching what you eat. It's watching what other people eat
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i've never dumped a girl. i always lay them peacefully in a field to be discovered by school children
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My favorite word is onomatopoeia. I just like how it sounds
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did you hear about the blind dog that never got lost? it really nose it's way around .
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me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland. refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
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When pinguins fly, you are probably drowning.
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A man walks into an Australian pet store, He asks the bloke behind the counter "where do you keep the kangaroos mate? " The bloke replies, "outback."
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i always feel like i'm wasting a text message whenever i respond with just " k. " now i write " potassium " instead
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love is never having to say you're sorry. marriage is saying sorry especially when you're not
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why are divers always so nervous? because they're always under pressure !
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yesterday , i got a fortune cookie that said: " help ! i'm stuck in a cookie factory ! "
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why did the fire fighter call off work to spend time with his friend? because threedots bros before hose !
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What does an amoeba call its friend? Cell mate.
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I've never understood the whole 'burying people for fun at the beach'. The cops will just find the bodies when the tide comes
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warning: the consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing .
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It's really odd having to meet your girlfriend's father, but this time it was easy. I didn't even have to leave the house.
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I like my partners like I like my work. Nine to five
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what do you call chess players bragging in a hotel lobby? chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
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Who was the only novelist with both direction and magnitude? Vector Hugo.
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Great minds think alike. That's why we have so many opinions in America
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what is the biggest key when moving a piano up a flight of stairs? be sharp or be flat .
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Two termites go on a date.. Waiter: what would you like to order sir? Termite: Table for two.
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My chess strategy and comedy have something in common I always concentrate on the pawns
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Know what you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth? A slow swimmer.
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Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs Me: They're golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
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i decided to give a name to my dinner. it was a miss steak
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My mum said she will always have my back But when dad takes off the belt she never takes the hit for me.
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Why is Uber always slower than Lyft ? Because Uber eats.
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How do electricians meditate? Ohmmmm, Ohmmmm
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Whats a person from Alabamas favorite meal? Family spitroast
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Where did Lucy go during the bombing? Everywhere
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Did you know that there are no canaries in the Canary Islands? And the same thing applies to the Virgin Islands; There are no canaries there either.
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how do you know if someone has run a marathon? don't worry , they'll tell you .
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what color are mirrors? i don't know , let's reflect on this .
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Why keyboards... Why keyboards don't sleep? Because they have two shifts!
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What did the squash say to the cucumber when he saw the pumpkin patch get blown up? Oh My Gourd!
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Why can't any of the seven dwarfs share the same name? Because that could create a pair o' Docs.
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What do you call a jellyfish on a racing boat? A stringy thingy in a dinghy.
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God: NOAH. Noah: Yes Lord? God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes? Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
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What do you call a hair salon next to a graveyard? Curl up and dye
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why is that cotton candy talking? grandma , that's nicki minaj .
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why are doctors always calm? they have a lot of patients . sorry .
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Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it's referring to Noah's evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
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How do you get back at an egoist? With another egoist. An I for an I.
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lol What is an Orphans favorite toy? A boomerang because it comes back unlike their parents.
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my dad is a real family man. he has three of them
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What do you call it when two people make a baby in fog? A mist conception.
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What sound does a pedantic owl make? Whom, whom.
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A dog that barks Is not cooked well
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my coworker used to joke " i'm allergic to most nuts , but not donuts! " . until bill brought in peanut butter donuts . he died in the ambulance .
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why did the janitor file for a divorce? he found his wife sweeping with someone else .
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I played against an Oprhan Baseball team once. None of them made it past third base.
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What has three letters and starts with gas? A car.
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If you get mixed up when you read with your fingers, you're just Braillely dyslexic.
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i have a bumper sticker in braille if you can read this, you're driving too close .
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I'm not raciest I have four black tires and a colored tv
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On the Red Carpet Reporter: "Who are you wearing?" Buffalo Bill: "I'm so glad you asked."
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why did the redditor cross the subreddit? to recycle a joke from the other side .
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I get carried away sometimes. Usually because I refuse to leave
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How are babies like hinges? They are things to adore
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What jumps up and down in front of a car? Froglights !
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can people using windows play games online with people with using mac? depends on the wifi at starbucks .
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What do a fretless bass and a lawsuit have in common? Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
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Scientists have invented a new device called the hyperbole chamber. It is the greatest and best thing ever since the dawn of civilization
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how do you know a girl is into you? just pinch yourself , if you don't wake up , she doesn't .
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What's a Jedi's favorite brand of vodka? Skyy. Only Sith deal in Absolut.
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what do ants drink? tea . it's an ant tea joke .
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may i have a quick word with you? velocity
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I eat bits of metal all day. It's my staple diet
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i knew my younger sister was becoming an archeologist after she started dating her best friend's father. she loves to be around old bones
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whats the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? beer nuts are a dollar and forty nine cents and deer nuts are under a buck
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trainer : what's the most intense part of your work out? me : getting into my sports bra .
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What do reddit admins eat? Everything
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debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. i was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
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Yo girl, are you a zero APR loan? Because I don't really understand your terms and you keep saying you have no interest.
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for sale: crystal ball cant see any future in keeping it
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Why did the rabbit eat lunch under the sink? He found a leek there.
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a friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever .
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dress for the job you want , not the job you have. in many cases this will mean showing up to the interview in a pirate suit
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have you guys heard my joke about elevators? it's funny on multiple levels
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Which kitchen appliance do surfers dislike most? The micro wave.
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Why are carbon chains with two double bonds so sad? Because they're diene
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millionaire interview interviewer : sir , who helped you on becoming a millionaire? millionaire : my wife threedots i was a billionaire before .
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i asked the cashier at the window of the service station for a galaxy. she came back with a milky way
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Tourist: What's the speed limit in this hick town? Native: We don't have one. You strangers can't get out of here fast enough for us.
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Why did Little Miss Muffet have GPS on her Tuffet? To keep her from losing her whey.
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"Hey, graduate student Minotaur, what are you up to today? " "Not much, just working on my Theseus."
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What was its name before the paralympics? Skipping leg day
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What did the insurance company say to the applicant? THIS ISN'T EVEN MY FINAL FORM!
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