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en
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How do Frenchmen share files? Pierre to Pierre.
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After Luke Skywalker found out Princess Leia was his sister. He became best friends with hand solo
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Why do petri dishes make good conversationalists? They're cultured.
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en
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I call my girlfriend Dumbledore. She's a head master
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en
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What do you call a Corvette following a Camaro at high speeds? Chevy Chase.
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en
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It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely
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en
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My favorite workout is a mix between a lunge and a crunch, I call it lunch.
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i've been on so many blind dates, i should get a free dog .
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en
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I just got a job helping a one arm typist do capital letters. It's shift work
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en
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What do you call a priest that's also a lawyer? A father in law
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en
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love it how music can take you to another place. for example , one direction is playing in this restaurant so i'm going to a different one
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en
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There was a massive explosion at a French cheese factory this morning. All that remains is de brie
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en
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My last girlfriend left me for being unnecessarily mysterious. or did she
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en
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what is similar between Pink Floyd and Princess Diana Their greatest hits were the wall
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en
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What was eating away at the computer's RAM storage? I don't know, but it was going at it one byte at a time.
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Abortion isnt murder It's just canceling a preorder
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en
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i just got hired as a garbage truck driver. there was no training , but i think i'll pick it up as i go along
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en
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what did one window say to the other window? i'm in pane
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en
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Why did Shrodinger's girlfriend dump him? Because she didn't like his lack of commitment
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en
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my therapist claims i'm a narcissist , but what does he know? clearly not as much as me .
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en
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Ruth and Johnny, side by side, went out for an auto ride. They hit a bump, Ruth hit a tree, Johnny kept going Ruthlessly
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what's the difference between a hipster and a lumberjack? the lumberjack has a job .
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en
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What do you call a snake that has been knighted? Sir Pent...
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en
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what's the best thing from new york city? the train to boston
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en
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I've just been to a concert starring the Bermuda philharmonic orchestra. Half way through, the guy on the triangle disappeared
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en
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how do buddhist monks send emails? they remove all attachments .
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en
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you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? he stayed up all night wondering whether or not there was a dog .
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en
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Has anyone told you how beautiful you are today? "No." Better luck tomorrow.
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en
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A flyer says to another flyer: "Yo, wanna hang out tonight? " The other one replies: "Brochure!"
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en
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What's the difference between an American and a moldy piece of bread? The bread has more culture.
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en
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Relationship or hallucination. Either way, I'm seeing someone
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en
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what do jehovah's witnesses believe in? that i will open the door
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en
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what's the most common career choice among spiders? web development
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en
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What do you call with a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky
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en
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What do humans and desserts have in common? No one likes the very rich ones.
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en
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It might take a village to raise a child. but it only takes a viking to raze a village
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en
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If a band plays music in a thunderstorm who is most likely to get hit by lightning? The conductor.
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en
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what kind of bird does not make babies? a swallow
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en
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why should you never play poker with a crocodile? you will lose every hand .
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en
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guys, check out this cool trick i learned . take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip . now keep them like that .
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en
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What did the receptionist at the Sperm Bank say as the patients were leaving? Thanks for coming.
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Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.
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I got a puppy for my daughter. Good swap if you ask me
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what's the best part of a pregnancy joke? the delivery .
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what the difference between australia and a glass of milk? leave the glass of milk alone long enough and it'll develop a culture .
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en
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My friend was talking about how he sleeps when its dark around. So I'd advised him not to join the basketball team
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en
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What do you call Watson when Sherlock isn't around? Holmeless
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Baby, I hope you are an ISO file cuz I wanna mount you.
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en
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What classic game do Hawaiian kids like the most? The floor is lava.
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en
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Why did the French chef quit working at the haunted restaurant? He got creped out.
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en
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Not all that glitters is gold. Take, for instance, glitter
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en
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If video games make children more violent... why do they keep losing fistfights against me?
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en
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teacher : where is your homework? pupil : i lost it fighting this kid who said you weren't the best teacher in the school
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en
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What do you call the smallest Superman in the world? .. Quark Kent.
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waiter : these are the best eggs we've had for years. diner : well bring me some you haven't had around for that long
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how bad is the economy? twenty years ago we had johnny cash , bob hope and steve jobs . today we have no cash , no hope and no jobs .
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en
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i still use the word " dude " . i don't give a dude . i don't use it right, but i still dude it .
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en
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Did you hear about the couple who got married in a gymnasium? It didn't work out.
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en
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Did you hear the amusement park was offering free bungee jumping? No strings attached!
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en
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did you hear about the constipated composer? he couldn't finish the last movement .
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a soldier is at the bar when his buddy walks in . the buddy , surprised to see him , asks threedots buddy : hey how did you escape iraq? soldier : iran .
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en
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Christmas with the family While I greatly enjoy the presence of their company, I prefer the company of their presents.
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en
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There's a new TV show on AMC about people who run away from grains and wheat. I hear they call it The Walking Bread
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en
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What do you call a marathon runner that refuses to stop? A joggernaut.
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en
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what does demi lovato and walmart have in common? they are always have lots of coke and are open twenty four hours a day seven days a week.
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en
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The white bear and the penguin tried to make their relationship work, but they couldn't. They were polar opposites.
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en
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what did the animal control officer ask the hawaiian dancer? hula the dogs out
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en
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What does a cyclone, flood, fire and a woman have in common? Sooner or later one of em will get your house....
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en
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What vegetables do plumbers hate the most? Leeks
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en
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What did the court jester call the balding crown prince? The Heir Apparent with no Hair Apparent.
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en
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Eight bytes walk into a bar... Eight bytes walk into a bar. The bartender asks, "Can I get you anything? " "Yeah," reply the bytes. "Make us a double."
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en
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"He looks just like his grandfather" is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it's more of an accusation
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en
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JOB INTERVIEWER: so, what was your last job? DR. FRANKENSTEIN: bodybuilding
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en
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A hurricane is going to hit the east coast? Are you Joaquin
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en
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What do you call a company run entirely by ghosts? An incorporation.
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en
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Loads of people are lining up to buy my vampire teeth. Fang queue
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en
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What do you call a loaf of grumpy bread? Sourdough!
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en
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what's in the middle of girls ' legs? their knee .
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en
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The failure of my business confounds me. It just doesn't make cents
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en
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"Always give your food a rinse before you eat it, " my dad always used to say. Lovely man. Made terrible sandwiches.
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en
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What's common between "I love you" and "Made in China" ? They both come with no warranty.
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en
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Speech is like girls skirt. If it is too long, people don't take interest in it, if it's short, it will fail to cover the subject.
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en
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What does a woman do outside the kitchen? Tourism
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i took my girlfriend to tour nasa this weekend! she said she needed some space .
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en
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Did John Knott mind being the only cited author on his group's research paper? Knott, et al.
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How to attract R Kelly with a guitar ? B Minor
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Did you hear about the man who received a tip on a horse called Cigarette? He didn't have enough money tabaccer!
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I heard about a woman who doesn't use her feet. I really want to meter
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I was gonna go on a double date the other day. But in the end I couldn't find three other people to go with me
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People who live in Flint should drink gasoline. It's cheaper than the water and guaranteed unleaded
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our team is doing so badly that " manager of the month " isn't an award. it's an appointment !
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my mom says i look just like my father. it's weird that she thinks that , because everyone else says i look like steve the mailman
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en
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how do you tell the difference between an x and y chromosome? you pull down its genes .
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i wanted to be a gynecologist, but i couldn't find an opening .
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en
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The word 'nothing' is a palindrome. 'Nothing' reversed is 'Gnihton' which also means nothing
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i never ask my kids to call me, i just change the netflix password and then don't respond to their texts .
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en
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How do locomotives know where they're going? Lots of training.
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I turned in my letter of resignation to my smug supervisor at the refrigeration plant. He accepted it with his usual air of condensation
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mirrors don't lie. lucky for you , they can't laugh either
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i think i have procrastination disease. i'll go to the doctor later
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